Toby Can Speak – Poetry

oh

hello!

names Toby. and,, um,, am i allowed to curse here?

and be queer?

no or yes deer? – doe? doe! a female deer! weird…

OH i’m sorry!

OH hello my name is Toby 

and I’ll be doing poetry

 so if you willing to work with me Im going to change it to Tob-etry

because I like to change the game like the constant change of the earth, as it  goes thru its seasons faster than an HGTV show. 

and im stuck in Fall as Atlas lets go of the world onto my back and crushed my heart—

bUT at the same time its FALL and that means i get to wear OUTFITS that look CUTE AS FUCK on me!

Fall is my season. Its who im meant to be.

 but I was a summer baby, born around more cacti than tree. 

but hey; thats weird to some, but not to me. life’s a little scary now and again, but if i treat it like the animal they say i can be, 

i’ll freeze.

like a deer in the headlights.

doe in the headlights.

toby on the spotlight…

which looks kinda blue—- and its cold.. 

HEY ANXIETY IS FUN! AND SEASONAL DEPRESSION IS EVEN BETTER! 

AND NOW ITS WINTER IN MY HEART and im trying to preform with the SAME energy as i WRITE! 

Every pattern perfectly placed on the board. 

and no Puzzle Piece wrongly put on paper. 

but wait im using a phone.

oh god am i out of tone NO out of touch,

 im not singing tonight im not that drunk.

So I was hanging out with a friend the other day, and she did say:

 “you’re weird”

and it hurt, i wont lie, but then she continued and looked into my eye: 

“that’s okay i dont judge”

,,,aND at the time i thought the opposite, because thats what anxiety told me to do.

bUT as my heart SPRINGS into life I realized that she’s right. i AM weird! and whats wrong with that. 

and as i hate spring,,,, i rush to summer,

 because i honestly warmed up my own heart. 

and i kinda am teaching myself to remind myself that i look hot.

SELF LOVE! 

but now outside is too hot 

and i just cant wait for fall, because i just wanna wear my hoodie again…

I’m confused. Scared. And lost. 

I never thought that these years would be alone, to be quite honest. 

I thought I would have found love by now,

and had a romantic relationship where we ended every night with Jeopardy, a kiss goodnight and a cuddle afterwards.

That was the dream.

And a split in the path that I didn’t see caused the ground beneath me to fall away.

I thought we were perfect for each other. 

But we weren’t. And that’s okay.

And now as I look at life I realize that I was supposed to fall in love with someone at this age.

But I never realized that meant me.

Family doesn’t leave family behind.

Something my mom and dad have told me since day 1.

We aren’t supposed to leave family behind, but when thats all you do, then you are not family.

You’ve been so upset that you leave everyone in a shitty situation.

You don’t care for any of us, except yourself.

Selfish mind who believes the first is always best, yet you just fucked over MY sister and moved back in with the parents.

And they let you!

I’m done with that. I’m done with you.

It’s simple as that, you act like a brat

you get treated as such.

And I feel like you’ve told me that.

A shame you can’t take your own advice.

And because of that, I refuse to go to christmas and every other holiday event that you belong in.

I can choose my family, so I choose to exclude you.

Now cry to mom and dad that “I hurt your feelings like I always do.”

Its funny how even at 30+, you’ll always act like you’re 2.

Im starting to think I am not worthy of love

Or maybe friendship, happiness –

or D.) all of the above

I make it hard to love with each passing day another gray cloud forms on my face

and a bittersweet lullaby tells me to stay in place, the outside world is dangerous for someone of my race.

Do you relate?

Does heaven call for you yet your body refuses to move even an inch

You can call and cry for help

because you’re failing, falling harder and harder but we cant all be Michael Phelps.

And I’m sure the dude who swims faster than I doubt myself, has doubted himself too.

We’re all humans who fight, cry and even look like fools.

I won’t burry my mistakes, that’d be a distasteful lie.

But because of that trait, I fear I’ll be alone when I die.

It’s not fair.

I have been craving this one thing for months.

This was supposed to feel like finding the last puzzle piece, the powerful endcap to the boulevard of broken dreams, 

I figured out the final ingredient for this recipe yet I feel just as incomplete as I was in the beginning. 

It’s not fair.

I repeat every step as I begged the universe for affection, we set tension in the air yet restless fan fiction of a lonely boy is my final destination. 

I’m tired of this game, this incomplete affair we are now in. 

I’m stuck in single player, as I begged for a placeholder in my bed.

It’s not fair.

I learned the final ingredient wasn’t just someone to talk to until the day became new, it didn’t matter if I had a new view to look forward too.

Because my missing ingredient is and always has been you.

I had that and now that I lost that spice forever, it’ll haunt my dreams. 

It shouldn’t be fair.

But when is life? 

And when did I ever deserve that final happy ingredient?

Because as I scream into the void yelling “it’s not fair!” When did I deserve it in the first place?? To not have my bed feel bare.

Maybe after all, it is fair. And my destiny to bare. 

I am a creature full of love.

To the point where each and every atom in me is composed of Aphrodite’s dove

And to my friends and future spouse, love is all you’ll receive.

But the one person I never thought I should love, is me.

I never fancied myself a good person or someone who deserves happiness, but others tell me otherwise and that’s the strangest thing.

I love my friends, each and every single one of them.

And if they say I deserve love, then I think that I need to think thru that again.

And maybe one day, I’ll learn to love myself like I love my friends, and like they somehow love me.

“The Blood of the Covenant is thicker than the Water of the Womb”

In Toby terms: Some friends are better than family.

And as a hispanic person, family means the world to me. My friends are my family and they mean the world to me.

I will personally fuck you up if you think you can hurt my friends.

Day is someone who has cared for me more than anyone else

Gabe is someone who has defended me and sat by my side bringing a smile everywhere he goes.

Theo is the human personification of what is good in the world

Daniel is experienced, and he is welcoming to show love to those who need it

Merlin accepts who you are no matter your faults

Carly listens when no one else will

Erin and Brenden have had my back in any situation I needed help in.

These are physical people who’s hands I’ve felt, breath I feel crawl down my body like a spider going up and down their web

And though our friendship has been short, they’re the people I would die for in an instant because they’re the good in the world.

But friendships don’t have to be physical.

Lola loved me when no one else did, and showed me crying isn’t weak it’s just a trait we give.

Tom helped me discover how to have fun when I didn’t know it existed

Marcesh is a beautiful man who’s sunlight I would kiss

Aukku is Chaotic Good and loves that way. She’s loving and caring and will fuck you up if you hurt those she loves.

Nenyi is too wholesome for this world and I’m blessed to see the good he gives

Anjy cares for everyone she encounters like their family, even if she’s my rival I love her dearly

Shay’s heart is way too big and her sisterly love is something I’ll never forget.

Ash listens and is willing to share what others would be too scared to do.

Jojo is experienced for being so young and wishes for people to smile because he knows pain like an old friend

Tegan and Nathan have showered me in love even if I didn’t deserve it from them, because they care at the end of the day in different ways than I expect.

My friends are my family, and I love them dearly. And if you have a problem with that.

Then go fuck yourself.

Is it bad if I say I crave you??

True, we never met and yet my jealousy and desire is thru the roof.

No one knows how bad I truly want a bite of this Forbidden fruit. 

But in a forbidden land, miles away this exotic treasure is something that’ll stay far away.

I shouldn’t over analyze everything they say, yet I can’t help but try to say something to see that amazing smile on their face.

It’s almost a new day, yet the only thing I can think of is how much I wanna see you today

But I don’t deserve you, because I’m a fucking waste of space and you’re the most powerful force I’ve ever witness to this date. 

I wanna see you. But i doubt you’d love me as much as I love you. Because who’d love me? 

This is our secret now reader. And I’m sorry you had to read it. 

Look at me 

take your time and look

I pulled apart every inch that exist within me and I see every mistake that I have created or that I cannot control

I nitpick every aspect of every fucking failure. 

I am not good looking because every part of me disgusting.

my cheeks are too skinny

my chest is too boney

my legs are smaller than my self esteem 

Every aspect of myself I pick apart because I am garbage. 

I’m too white to be Hispanic.

I’m too lonely to experience love.

I don’t deserve love. 

Because every aspect of me that’s physically ugly, the mental stuff is 10 times worse. 

i’m paranoid

I doubt every aspect of myself 

I’m bitter towards life and what it can bring to me. 

I’m boring and annoying

if you talk to me once, chances are you already heard a song and story five times repeated

I hate myself and you should hate me too.

Because If you look at me, you’ll see I don’t deserve love.

 Another day another one wasted

 I constantly count the stars on my ceiling when I wake but I can’t move out of my bed I’m restless

My mind taunting me, yelling at me, for each mistake ive made new and old. And i let it.

Happiness and I have never been friends, 

even though I wear that mask until the bitter end because I know depression and those I love shouldn’t have to deal with it like I do.

My stomach growls and I know I got food waiting for me, but to get up, even when my bodies dying I cant do it.

So I yell at myself, constantly.

Telling Toby to stop talking nonsense and start talking truths, to travel to a new destination that I told myself I couldn’t reach in my dreams.

It doesn’t matter to me anymore 

if that place is the mountain top or the door 

I just need to find a place thats not my thoughts to explore.

I’m in need of anything and I want friends who I can be with eternally but anxiety knows my weaknesses better than me.

I reach for the door, i try to escape.

But I hear my thoughts telling me no one loves me and to stay in this place.

I listen, I can’t help but listen.

I am crashing harder than ever and I wanna get up. 

I fall back into my black colored haven, as tears fill my eyes

“Get up Toby.” Is the last thing I hear until I blank into nothingness and let the black color not just fill my sheets but my mind.